Wednesday, 11 March 2015

10 Mothering Things I'm a Bit Shit At

The first time anyone told me I was fail as a mother was back when the man-child was only in Year Six. My crime was the patent child-abuse of not allowing him to have a computer or a gaming console in his bedroom. Truly. It’s a wonder there weren’t social workers beating our door down.

Nonetheless, a huge amount of angst was created when his peers declared me a fail tightarse, assuring him that they would totally own him in no time. Nice boys they were. And every one of them from a very non-fail family. Indeed, one of them was blessed with a mother who was so NOT fail that she was unfazed by the nudie pics he had chosen to plaster his room with,  because…well.. you know… boys will be boys.

But as the kids get older, I’m fail a lot more. A whole lot more.

Yesterday I was fail after devoting the day to repurposing odds and sods into one of Andie’s ‘volcanic ensembles’ from Pretty in Pink . (Today’s fundraiser at school is ‘Come as your favourite movie character or actor.’)

The day before that I was fail because the sport uniform that had not been put in the laundry was still dirty.

And the day before that I was fail because nobody else really felt like smoked chicken and spinach pasta for dinner.

So in an attempt to remind myself that there are ways I can avoid being epic fail all the time, or at everything, I thought I might just make a quick list of ten things I need to remember I’m a little bit crap at. So here goes.

I’m just a bit shit at:
1.     mind reading
2.     being in three places at once
3.     caring if the exact item of clothing required at any given second has been  ironed
4.     not getting annoyed when the dog decorates the house with slobbery fragments of the leftover lunches — both foodstuffs and wrappings—it found under the bed/in the bottom of a school bag/in the overflowing bin of someone’s bedroom
5.     realising that we have run out of a metric fuckton of things that nobody put on the shopping list
6.     remembering everyone else’s daily timetable
7.     whipping up cordon bleu meals every night
8.     having the car radio on the right station
9.     comprehending how the world can turn simultaneously around each and every teenager in the universe
10. being invisible on demand.

I’m sure there's plenty more I could add, but I reckon that will give me enough to work on for now. Wish me luck!


  1. You didn't include the Prime Minister. Can we blame him on you? xxMe

    1. Soph, you can blame the PM (and his douchebagness) on his own 'lifestyle choices'.

    2. Noooooooooooo I will wear many evil badges, but NEVER that one!

  2. Let me add my own most recent failing ...
    Yesterday I had the temerity to move Taco Tuesday to Thaco Thursday, because I didn't want to go to the supermarket and I had a nice rolled Turkey roast in the fridge ready to be used.
    I announced this news on the way home from school, and was met with misty-eyed, single-tear-trickling-down-the-cheek utter sadness. I had dared to mess with the sanctity of tradition and I paid the price.
    Turkey Tuesday actually went quite well once they decided it was pretty delicious. But there is still pressure for Thaco Thursday to be moved up to Waco Wednesday.
    Tip of the iceberg in my long list of fails anyway...

    1. ...keep an eye out for Human Services... They'll be at your door very soon.... And what's the bet next week they'll say, "Oh... aren't we having Turkey Tuesday again? That was great."

  3. metric fuckton......hahahahah!
    and then I read cordon bleu as
    condom bleu
    so then I knew it was time for bed.

    You rock Wendy. You. Just. Rock!

  4. I needed that boost! Sleep well up there in the other hemisphere...

  5. Oh Wendy, you do make me laugh! Thank God you have a sense of humour, you certainly sound as if you need it. I am an epic fail as a mum as well as 'everybody has an ipad' except Miss Hap!

    1. shame on you.... yes indeed...EVERYone else in the WHOLE WORLD has an iPad ... and probably an iPhone 6 too!
      That's child abuse, Judy....

  6. Honestly, Wendy, your crappidity knows no bounds?! :-D

    Keep it up. I, for one, am proud of you. Never Give In. You are the Mothershit - I mean *Mothership* and you Rule.

    My 9 year old would certainly have grown into the Pillsbury Doughboy (his Uncle's fond yet insensitive nickname for him) had I given in to his year-long campaign for his very own Breville Pie Magic. He even cleared a space for it on his bedside table. Bless. ;-)

  7. I am most definitely the Mothershit... Beam me up!